: The subject line on this one was ordinary - "Get the Most Out of the WiFi You Pay For" - but the content, aside from the spam links, was a genuinely engaging sequence of sentences:
She wondered what his eyes were saying beneath his mirrored sunglasses. They say that dogs are man's best friend, but this cat was setting out to sabotage that theory. Im working on a sweet potato farm. Grape jelly was leaking out the hole in the roof. The blinking lights of the antenna tower came into focus just as I heard a loud snap. It took him a while to realize that everything he decided not to change, he was actually choosing. Twin 4-month-olds slept in the shade of the palm tree while the mother tanned in the sun. She could hear him in the shower singing with a joy she hoped he'd retain after she delivered the news. Dan took the deep dive down the rabbit hole. She lived on Monkey Jungle Road and that seemed to explain all of her strangeness. Greetings from the real universe. They throw cabbage that turns your brain into emotional baggage. The fish dreamed of escaping the fishbowl and into the toilet where he saw his friend go. The best key lime pie is still up for
debate. Random words in front of other random words create a random sentence. It was a really good Monday for being a Saturday. The paintbrush was angry at the color the artist chose to use. In hopes of finding out the truth, he entered the one-room library. I caught my squirrel rustling through my gym bag. Carol drank the blood as if she were a vampire. He is no James Bond; his name is Roger Moore. The tattered work gloves speak of the many hours of hard labor he endured throughout his life. The beauty of the sunset was obscured by the industrial cranes. He wore the surgical mask in public not to keep from catching a virus, but to keep people away from him. The thick foliage and intertwined vines made the hike nearly impossible. Having no hair made him look even hairier. I am counting my calories, yet I really want dessert. It's much more difficult to play tennis with a bowling ball than it is to bowl with a tennis ball. He decided water-skiing on a frozen lake wasnt a goo
d idea. Shakespeare was a famous 17th-century diesel mechanic. As he looked out the window, he saw a clown walk by. He was sitting in a trash can with high street class. It's not possible to convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising it infinite bananas when they die. If you like tuna and tomato sauce- try combining the two. Its really not as bad as it sounds. It took him a month to finish the meal. Mary plays the piano. He would only survive if he kept the fire going and he could hear thunder in the distance. Today is the day I'll finally know what brick tastes like. If any cop asks you where you were, just say you were visiting Kansas. Weather is not trivial - it's especially important when you're standing in it.
Leonard suspects this is generated by GPT-3.
) Spamusement's Ten-Year Anniversary
: Ten years ago today, Steven Frank posted the first Spamusement
comic, illustrating real subject lines from spam emails with "poorly drawn cartoons". Leonard and I loved it, and to celebrate, here are a few of my favorites. (Spamusement had an unfortunate strain of sitcom-level sexism and fatphobia but there were plenty of strips free from such annoyances.)
- Complaints and observational humor: Curso de PHOTOSHOP, Waiting Waiting Waiting, Too many decisions, the bigger the better
- Horror: Look out for your Family, Why dont you think ahead, Amazing Software Types While You Talk, Yeah, Yeah Yeah, I know!, It's cheating, but it works!
- Human foibles: It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help., I know what you did last summer, Your Managers Don't Have Expertise They Have This., I want you to talk to me, Your lover will jump for joy when you do this!, U are Stupid Dumbass If U Pay Retail Price For Softwares mentioned, its not even funny when you do that
- Whimsy: henrietta hamper, Your Dog Will Love It!, house and the sheds, FROM THE DESK OF GEORGE TETE, You have been appr..., THE LAST WISH OF A DYING MAN, Play video p0ker with the Emperor
- Puns and literalism: hide your license plate Grover, i am a new person, can't beat this....ox, Stop punching a clock, you address a cat, Your doctor recommended you to oboe, security...bacon, your document is silly!, Premium cigars with hat and travel case, want to be like a rabbit?
- Wish fulfillment/satire: Did you know Sprint PCS did this?, How To Live Without Fear In America, today is the day, you lack credentials for that position, Put your hands on the hot software, I can supply you the first quality programs
I want to especially mention She cant possibly be enjoying this! which Leonard and I treasure to this day every time we ask for a to-go box for leftovers, and this assortment that I suspect of being a "Cow Tools" homage.
Anyway, Steven Frank, thanks for a fun strip.
) They don't make nonsense like they used to
: A single morsel of old-school link-free "what are they even trying to do here" spam slipped through my filter last week, like a Queneau assembly of our glory days here at SAFA. Enjoy, and reflect, for do we not, each of us, parallel existing roads?
From: Mars failing before completing their missions, with some failing before they even began. <email@example.com>
Subject: Madagascar and take on fresh provisions before proceeding onward toward their targets further north.
David Smith, an analyst at research firm Gartner.
Many steps parallel existing roads, but others exist on their own and are classified as city streets.
Hudswell Clarke saddle tank Tubby at Blunsdon. He died in Monrovia in 1935.
) Male Gaze
: Ashley Madison spam keeps telling me I am guaranteed to sleep with a married woman. I am a married woman. I sleep with myself every night, and as such, Ms. Madison has nothing to offer me -- or, conversely, perhaps I have been using the site all along unwittingly!
I find that the Ashley Madison spam specifically bothers me, not just because it implies that I am thought of as a promise-breaker, but because it implies a new vice that I'm not used to seeing in my spam. I'm used to spam insinuating that I am greedy, obese, and libidinous, but not specifically adulterous. And the heteronormative and aimed-at-men "sleep with a married woman" spam actually bothers me less than the more equal-opportunity subject lines that aim to include me. The former I can laugh off as male gaze; the latter thinks I am nudgable.
) Monster Breakout Day
- Hey alabaastley, 80% OFF. encountered Neologisms
I really prefer mangled portmanteaus.
- Be ready in the morning for my new Gold pick!
I wish you wouldn't stay up all night playing Minecraft.
- Augmentin is your canon aimed at any infection.
- Scare people with your tool today
Join your village's angry mob.
- Mr. kevandd, get super prices. death
Those prices had better be pretty damn super.
- Monster Breakout day starting off with Monster News.
It was just a regular day in Monster Town.
- Do not underestimate the value of free pills
I'm going to guess... "zero".
- This Company keeps climbing! You may want to read this!
"Employee Guidelines for Parachute Allocation."
- Feel like you're under a pile of bricks? We carry Xanax and Valium
- This May Never Happen Again!
Oh, I think it will.
) Mockworthy Recruiting Spam
: I feel the urge to complain about a particular kind of spam yet feel a little uncouth doing so on my main blog. So then I remembered: Spam As Folk Art! Hi, three people who still follow this feed.
If you were a tech recruiter seeking a project manager or community wrangler, I could see how I would pop up on your radar. I'm not interested -- I'm happy at the Wikimedia Foundation -- but at least I would understand.
But recruiters who think that I must be an engineer, because I've worked on GNOME and I have a GitHub account, make me laugh.
Subject: Hello from redacted name of big tech company!
From: redacted name native to South Asia
I hope you're well. I came across your profile in Gnome Outreach program.
I hope you're well. My name is redacted and I am a recruiter here at redacted.
I am writing to introduce myself and was wondering if you would be open to confidentially exploring engineering or management opportunities with redacted.
In the event that you're happily employed, but know of any engineers of your quality who may be on the market, please don't hesitate to pass along my contact information....
First: I will notice if you misspell my name. (And you have nearly no excuse, person with name native to the exact same part of India as mine!) Second: I can think of approximately 500 engineers of my "quality" who are on the job market, because I am not an engineer
. Within GNOME I worked on marketing, GNOME Journal, documentation, bug triage, and project management.
Subject: Web Application Engineer
From: redacted name of recruiting firm
<p>Are you interested in a new job opportunity? We checked out some of your git repos and we found a job opportunity that fits your skills. Twitter in San Francisco is hiring web application engineers.</p>
Yes, the <p> and </p> tags were in the original. Someone wasn't counting on people who read email in plain text. And my GitHub repo
has exactly one item of interest (my update to someone's README file)
, and within Wikimedia's git repositories
I've tested the system by adding some comments to an example extension
. If that means that a web application engineer role at Twitter "fits my skills" then I am a tuna fish sandwich.
Speaking of "wait, plaintext?":
Well hello there, and welcome to the latest Ticket Alternative newsletter!
You've opted to receive the text version which is really boring. You can't see any of the pretty pictures we've added or be wowed by the colorful design.
So, click the link at the top of this email to view the online version and we promise to make you smile....
Thanks for reminding me to unsubscribe from the "newsletter" for a service I only signed up for to buy one measly theater or concert ticket, Ticket Alternative! (Oh, and of course, there was no link to the online newsletter in the plaintext email.)